One of the single most important pieces of advise I have been given lately came in a discussion we had a few weeks ago.
"Remember that when your children are gone you will still be married."
About a year ago the Lord really began dealing with me to work on my relationship with my husband. It was funny because He had to get me into that position to where I realized that I NEEDED to work on it. Sad I know; but really I think I had all my priorities backwards. I was a 1st a child of God, 2nd a mom; and 3rdly a wife. Phillip often got pushed to the side. After all I was fighting for my salvation and the training of my children. :-( Now looking back after about a year of hard lessons I wonder why I couldn't see this before. What was it that was blocking my vision. Being a child of God and striving for the Bride IS important. Being a mom and trying to raise Godly children IS important; but when did I forget that being a Godly wife and a help meet to my husband was also just as important. After all we are on this road to salvation together. We are raising OUR children together. We are in this marriage TOGETHER.
I don't want you to think that we were on the road to divorce; but I do believe that if I had continued on the path that I was on that we may very well have ended up there. I was hurting my husband. How you ask...my looks, my comments to others, by me saying "you always do ____"; and the list goes on. I feel like the Lord led me to the 30 challenge I talk about on here. I believe that was a turning point for me. I watched as my whole perspective changed. As I began to refrain from those looks, words, accusations I watched our relationship change. I am not saying that now we have this perfect relationship because that is not true; but I am learning. I am learning to put my husband in the place he deserves. He deserves my respect and honor. If for no other reason; but because he puts up with me. I am learning that when I talk down to him; or about him to others it cuts away at that relationship I am trying to build. Even if I am disappointed I am supposed to build him up not tear him down. How do I feel when the tables are turned? Do I like to be belittled or to have all my faults laid out on the table? Does it make me feel good to know that my husband is disappointed in me? No, so why would I want to make my husband feel that way? Why would I want him to feel less than he is? Our words are so much more powerful than we know. (Proverbs 18:21 "Death and life [are] in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.") Through this process I have learned to look at my husband differently.
I told a story to a friend of mine the other night...
When I began to look at Phillip as a possible soul mate I was attracted to him because of who he was. A strong, confident; loving young man. A man full of life and who had a special light in his eyes. I always made the statement that if he ever became a mousy little man who let me walk all over him then I wouldn't even look his direction!! I didn't want to be married to a man who walked around defeated all the time. I told her that after 11 and a half years of marriage I almost saw that light disappear. After years of railings from me I could have lost the qualities that I fell in love with. Thank the Lord that He opened my eyes before it was too late. Now I am working on repairing that trust. That confidence that he once had in me. (Proverbs 31:11 "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.") I fail...often; but I haven't given up. I want to be a strong Godly wife for my strong Godly man!! I want him to call me blessed. I want him to be known not because of the embarrasement his wife causes him; but for the good that he has done. (Proverbs 31:23 "Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.")
I just had a thought...one of my biggest hurdles is putting my trust in my husband as a leader. I know this sounds horrible; but I felt like sometimes I know what's best. We were arguing one night and he said "it alwyas has to be Davita's way". I of course denied it; but deep down I knew that was true. He in a few words told me that I didn't respect his position as man of the house. I didn't. I felt awful. I began to ask myself how do I change that? After so long (over 11 years) of thinking one way, how do I change that? The answer sounds really simple...you have to trust God to lead your husband. Ultimately you have to take your worries and concerns to the Lord and trust HIM to take control. Whew...easier said than done I think!! I don't think that voicing your opinion is wrong if it is done in love and if he knows that in the end I will respct his decision. Up until now that is not how I have been doing things. Shame on me; but I am learning with the Lord's help. I want to put him in his GOD GIVEN place and learn to be content with that. That has to be learned. (Titus 2:4 "That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children...") You would think that these things come with being a woman; but they don't. Our nature is what comes with being a woman!! :o)
The 30 day challenge helps you to look at your husbands good qualities and not the bad. It changes your focus. In a round about way by looking and focusing on the good things about your husband it gives you the confidence to actually put your faith and trust in him.
I so appreciate the Lord for taking the time to lead me and expose the areas in my life that need fine tuning. The process by no means is easy and at times very painful; but I am thankful that He doesn't leave us in the condition we are in. He lifts us up out of the filth that we are in, dusts us off; and gives us the grace to change.
So as I continue to work on my relationship with my husband and my children I know that I am doing the will of the Lord. I am doing exactly what he has called me to do right now. He has called me first to be a helpmeet, and second to be a mother; and by doing these things to the very best of my ability I am serving Him as a child of God.