A New Attitude

When my husband and I first got married I was a master juggler.  Or so I thought.  I could easily...with one hand...juggle husband, church commitments, work; and me time.  Even when we had our first child she easily just fit right into my plan.  When my second child came along I thought that life would continue as "planned".  Slowly over the last two years each one of these things I was juggling has dropped to the ground.  As I stood there dumbfounded...my hands dropped at my side...head down...and just plain spent I began to ask the Lord what is wrong with me.  I used to have it all together.  I was a decent wife (sometimes), very faithful to my church commitments, made a little money; and still had time to focus on my own salvation.  And that was all just 4 years ago.  For the last few months I have been trying my very best to do it all!!  I would pick up my juggling props (all of them) and try to juggle...I would get them in the air for a bit; but shortly they would all come crashing down again.  Over and over and over.  What I have realized is that the Lord is trying His best to get me to change my thinking.  Instead of trying to do it all and accomplishing nothing He is asking me to focus on one at a time.  This process has been very hard for me because I LOVE to be involved in everything.  I love to be right at the center of what is going on.  Especially at church.  It is after all my life; but now all those subtle hints that the Lord has been giving me are now screaming...accompanied by a big brass band..."GET YOUR HOUSE IN ORDER"!!!!  I don't think He wants me to quit church of course or even not to help out when I can; but I do feel like He is asking me not to fall into the deep pit of depression I have been living in because I can't do all and be all to everyone.  I have been so burdened and heart broken with this because I don't want to disappoint anyone.  I am the ultimate people pleaser :o); but I feel like right now I am not pleasing the one person I should be worrying about.  The Lord.  In my life I would like to say YES to the Lord.  I would like to (and I have given this example before) stand on the edge of the pool...with my back facing the water...stretch my arms out to the side...close my eyes...and slowly lay back and let the Lord take control.  If He chooses to drown me well I guess He has that right...He is God; but if He instead teaches me how to swim...woooooo...halleluia...then someday maybe, I can soar with the eagles!!!