Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Expectations

I was sitting here thinking on something and thought I would put the question out there to you.  As a woman I feel like I should be able to do it all.  Maybe if I plan it perfect, or give up a little more sleep maybe I can be the super woman I have envisioned for myself.  All the while keeping my spirit right!!  I realize that these are unrealistic expectations; but somewhere in our make up as a woman we feel this is a requirement.  I know that I put harsh requirements on myself everyday and that when I fail to meet them I get discouraged and give up a little.  When I got married I had high hopes of being the perfect wife.  I am not.  When I had children I decided that I was going to be the greatest mom EVER.  I am not.  My question is this...

How do I strive for the Bride; and be a mom, and a wife?  All at the same time?  If I give 100% to each that is 300%.  It seems that when I give one the proper attention the other gets neglected.  How do I set reasonable standards for myself and learn to juggle? 

Please feel free to reply.

11 comments:

  1. For me it is about priorities. I have to keep reminding myself that my husband comes first. When I'm 85 and fat and wrinkled and the kids are gone, I still want to be married!! Besides, he's easy. Coffee and clean clothes go a long way.

    After that, it's about training my children. If I can fulfill both of those roles while keeping a gracious spirit, then I will consider myself one step closer to being in the Bride!

    Sounds like you might need to trim the to-do list a little. :)

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  2. I'm a mom of four children...been where you are at and now my children are 21, 19, 17 and 12... I encourage you to start each day with at prayer. The Lord is ever near and we just fail to ask Him. He will renew your strength and it just seems like your mind is cleared and fresh after you pray. Everything calms down in me when I ask Him for help in the day to day task.

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  3. I have to totally agree with Luvanna!! my motto from the beginning has been when they are gone I will still be married and the same goes for my spiritual life, it has to come first in order for me to truly be a good mother. I spent the first 3 years of their lives in total depression because the very questions you ask. I was doing it without the Lord and frankly if you can't hardly find the time to shower how can you even begin to do everything else, or at least this was goin on in my head!! And I course the devil will the advantage. So I say to you: You can do it, we arent super woman but we are super women!!!! Talk with philip and be honest ask him what he really expects from you, it probably isn't near what you think (if it is hit him in the head with a frying pan and then leave him at home by himself for a full 12 hrs !!) and most importantly do why God requires of you. And always get your sleep but make sure you get up before they do or your time with the Lord will probably be interrupted :) hope this is to long!!

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  4. Thank you all for your responses!! Keep 'em coming!! I have also included some answers from others under my name that I got via email.

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  5. From Anonymous:

    Read this . Do remember that when we are trying to do our best at __________________... we are also working to be in the Bride. It's not a separate calling from "Mom" or "Wife". These are the "candles of the Lord" that he brings our way to help "search us".

    Found this post under "Raising Olives." Hope you enjoy.

    ****************

    At the age of 29 with four small children, I remember feeling worn out. Because I had all “littles” and no “bigs,” the bulk majority of the household responsibilities rested with me. Sure, the children helped, but rather than “many hands make light work,” it was more like, “little hands make more work.” I wondered if things would ever get easier.
    At 33, with a 12 year old by my side, I can truthfully tell you things do get easier. However, I know just how hard it can be to see the forest for the trees when you are standing in the middle of it all. You don’t want to just muddle through, but that seems to be all you ever manage. There has to be a better way, right?
    Even the moms-of-many who have older children have days of just muddling through, but there is a lot to be said for thriving, rather than just surviving. So, what can you do when you are a mommy of littles to make the most of this season?
    Lower your expectations.
    You look at other families or websites with all these children working and playing alongside each other and you wonder, “Will that ever be my family?” I remember the days of wishing the conversation around the dinner table was something more edifying and interesting than the baby crying and the toddler spilling her water for the third time. I longed for something that wasn’t even possible for my family, and it made me sad.
    However, when you lower your expectation of what things *should* look like, and focus more on where you are now and what you can do as a family now, you stop longing after the future.
    Let your littles work alongside you. Let them do less-than-perfect work. Play their silly games. Laugh with them and love on them. You are in a season of sowing seeds. Accept that the fruit comes later.
    Implement what you can now.
    I wrote a post a while back about adopting a large family mentality even when you aren’t a large family. This is probably the number one thing I did as a mom of only littles that saved my sanity!
    I learned to implement a bath routine, a morning routine, shopping rules, table rules, and a myriad of other ideas I gleaned from moms much further down the parenting road than I. Large families, by default, are efficient, and no matter what size or age your family is, gathering from their wisdom and putting it into practice before you need it, makes for a much smoother day.
    The future is bright.
    “All littles and no bigs” will not always define your family. When I was in that stage, I had an older mother tell me that by the time my oldest was nine, I would see a difference. Nine seemed a long way away, but she gave me hope.
    Guess what?! She was right! My oldest child was a huge help by that time, and I could see the other children beginning to follow his example. It was exciting to see years of training pay off! So, never fear! Littles DO grow into bigs!
    When it comes down to it, it is all about perspective. Enjoy where you are now, train for the future, love what you do. No matter how little or how big they are, you are blessed to be their mommy!

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  6. Sis. Gail Jones said:

    "--- Oh my goodness, you and Jennifer are so much alike, lol, but I guess you realized that. Ya'll are both 'perfectionists' - and put a whole lot of expectations on yourselves -- and she does what you do, feels bad when they don't always happen. Praying for you both! Mainly because - as I guess you already know --been there too. :>

    In answer - what we are doing anyway -- it's our life -- is striving for the bride, (which I know you know that) -- every day, one day at a time. And you do that and be a mom and wife all at the same time because that's where you are right now.

    Wonder if you need not focus on how much percentage wise you give to each, but do the best you can in each - which is of course what you're trying to do - somtimes you (we) fall short - but you have to kind of balance it all out -- and remember, you can only do one thing at a time anyway (well - you may be a better multi-tasker than I am,lol) :> but you need to not be so hard on yourself when things/plans don't go as expected and you feel you fall short -- who knows maybe the Lord's working on that in your life - learning to not be so hard on yourself, if that makes sense. Just learn from (whatever's happening) and get up and try again as my mom used to say.

    You know, there's a reason some things happen - probably just to work on us. I'm more laid back than you girls, but wanted to try and get across, it's all part of life and it's where you are right now - and what you can do (I've prayed this way) is ask the Lord to use it to work out of you (me) whatever He wants worked out at the time. He uses our husbands and kids to do that alot of times, lol, but know you've discovered that already.

    You set reasonable standards by beginning each day with turning it all over to Him (and I know with little ones, you sometimes have to pray as you go because you get up running) :> -- put Him first and he'll help you with all the rest! Don't worry about how well you're doing -- just do the best you can at the time, which is what you're already doing.

    Main thing is to put the Lord first and foremost in your life and he'll help you as you live your life."

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  7. Anonymous said:

    "Sister Davita..... your called responsibility is to be a 100% help meet.
    You were 'created' to be a help meet to your husband.
    When you have placed yourself in that position.... submissive to the headship of your husband..... your creative nurturing instincts will have the liberty to manifest themselves.....
    Mistakes will happen because we are human.
    But we never make those mistakes on purpose. They are all a part of growing up in the Lord. We have
    to take baby steps and talk baby talk before we become the perfect person we are striving to be.
    Bottom line....... do what you know is right.
    do what you have been taught to do......and the Lord will take care of the rest.
    But most of all....... relax and enjoy your wonderful place in the Plan of God.
    We women have a special place in His plan. When we realize that place is under the headship of the Lord, and our
    husbands ... then we have our umbrella and we are protected to be wives and mothers.....in the Lord.

    We are all still learning.
    I am an old lady....... and have been traveling this beautiful walk for 40 years. I wish I were farther along....... but someone said........."Perfection takes a lifetime"
    and it truly does."

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  8. Wow, so many good comments! I struggle with this now, and I don't even have children yet (but hopefully soon)! I'm almost ready to sell most of our "stuff", or donate it all to Goodwill because I have a difficult time keeping up with it all, especially when my energy feels sapped. Anywho, those comments have come from experience, and I too appreciate both the question and the responses. I guess the thing is to try to whatever we do do it heartily as to the Lord. I just tend to get so "weighted" down with the day to day, that somedays I just feel carnal as mud!!! I am so thankful for our church services to get our batteries re-charged! Love y'all! Thank you for posting Mom's reply. That really touched me.

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  9. DAVITA,

    I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD HAVE THE MAGIC ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE, BUT I REALIZE THAT THERE ISN'T ONE. ONLY GOD CAN GIVE US THE GRACE! ALL IS KNOW IS THAT GOD COMMANDED ME TO HONOR MY HUSBAND AND BE A KEEPER OF THE HOME. I WILL DO WHAT I WAS SPECIFICALLY COMMANDED TO DO FIRST, AND THEN DO WHATEVER ELSE I FEEL I SHOULD DO WHEN I GET TIME. I KNOW THIS IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE, BUT WE DON'T HAVE TO MEASURE OURSELVES BY THE WORLD'S STANDARDS OF ACCOMPLISHMENT OR EVEN HAPPINESS. SO WHAT IF MY HOUSE ISN'T PERFECTLY KEPT...AT LEAST MY CHILDREN ARE LEARNING AND BEING LOVED! AT LEAST MY HUSBAND COMES HOME TO A JOYFUL WOMAN WITH LOTS TO OFFER- INCLUDING A GREAT DINNER (AND MAYBE EVEN DESSERT;) , RATHER THAN A HARRIED WOMAN ON THE BRINK OF A BREAKDOWN- WITH A SPOTLESS HOUSE (AND ZOMBIE CHILDREN WHO WERE ENTERTAINED BY "CARTOON NETWORK" ALL DAY.) I AM JUST SAYING THAT LATELY I FEEL THE LORD HAS BEEN SHOWING ME THAT IF I FOCUS ON WHAT HE HAS CALLED ME TO DO AND LET GO OF MY PRIDE, HE WILL HELP ME WITH THE REST. THIS MAY NOT MAKE ANY SENSE, BUT IT'S MY ONLY ANSWER RIGHT NOW. I KNOW I AM NOT WHERE I NEED TO BE WITH THIS AT ALL, BUT THIS IS WHAT THE LORD SHOWED ME, AND I AM WORKING MY WAY TOWARD NOT CARING SO MUCH WHAT THE WORLD THINKS, OR EVEN SOME OF M FRIENDS; I JUST WANT TO BE PLEASING TO THE LORD!

    CARISSA

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  10. I also wanted to post an idea that one of my friends gave me that I am excited to try. She says that every night before she goes to bed she writes a list down of the things that she needs to get done. A reasonable list now and then in the morning she starts on her list. She said that this has also helped her. One thing I have noticed along with my daily prayer and reading is that I need a good amount of sleep. When I give up my sleep my defenses the next day are down. In order to keep a handle on my spirit I need to 1) get enough sleep 2) read and pray everyday 3) do my very best to call on Jesus when thoses stresses arise.

    I hope these posts have been helpful. I know that the discussion has encouraged me.

    Thank you for all your input!!

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