A few weeks ago I gave a testimony in church about how that the Lord had delivered me from the anger and bitterness I had allowed into my heart towards my husband. This was a humiliating thing to admit; but the Lord really did something for me.
It had gotten to the point that before Phillip would even walk into the room I could feel it taking over. I couldn't even speak to him civilly; and my children were even being affected by my anger. They were learning my ways. Lord help me!! One Sunday night I felt like I was losing my mind as well as any salvation I had left. I had absolutely no control over myself or my emotions. It was horrible. Bro. Robert Seaton got up and began talking about how that he felt that the Lord wanted to touch us. He said that in order for us to be touched we must get rid of our PRIDE, SELFISHNESS; and ARROGANCE. These are the 3 things the Lord had been dealing with me about.
Pride - to proud to walk down front for help
Selfishness - By holding onto this (out of pride) and not seeking help for the benefit of my family. They were suffering because of my pride.
Arrogance - By thinking that this could NOT happen to me.
I had reached the point that it did not matter what happened that I had to get help. If I didn't I was going to destroy my family. He made the altar call and I stepped out into the aisle. We went down as a family. We went down for ME. I needed help!!
Needless to say that by the time I got to the end of the prayer line I had been delivered.
I told you the background so that you would understand the victory part better =)
One of the things that I had been so angry about was Phillip not being able to be at church with me. Once again not thinking of him; but my own selfishness I would get so mad because I had to go ALONE. That is the key word. I felt alone. I feel like this is where the devil started talking to me. I failed to realize that Phillip hated it to. He didn't WANT to go to work and miss church; but he has no choice. He hates missing church just as much if not more than I hate him not being there. For now he is right where the Lord wants him and in this economy I am just really thankful that he has a job. I don't know what I was thinking.
This Sunday night I feel like the Lord tested me on this a bit. Well maybe not the Lord, I don't know; but the whole service was on marriage. It was really a neat little service. Very straight forward in a lot of ways; but very needed too!! Phillip had to work so he had to miss it. At the end of this service all the married couples gathered down front and sang the song "At the End of the Trail" to each other while they held hands. It really was very sweet.
As I was watching them I felt that feeling of sadness (subtle...not full blown anger as before) as I watched them and thought "I sure wish Phillip was here". As soon as that thought crossed my mind I pushed it away and thought "He's not here; but my heart is there with him. Lord touch him. Let him feel you right now". I almost started crying. Well I am now as I write this. I feel the Holy Ghost backing me up. I had an opportunity to allow that anger and bitterness back into my life; but the Lord created a way of escape for me once again. Instead I prayed for him. Phillip may not physically be there with me; but I know without a shadow of doubt that his heart is there. He would much rather be sitting beside me in church than working with a bunch of worldly men. =o)
As I was driving home in my mind I held Phillip's hands and told him I love him and I am so thankful that he puts his own needs and wants aside for our family. How can I not do the same? How can I not lay down my life for my friend...my best friend.
This is my shout of VICTORY!!!!